Abusive Relationships: Why they stay?

My fiancé & I attended a seminar a few days ago. Together with us are two unmarried couples, living together for 10 years and the other for 5 years. While the group was discussing about “willingness to sacrifice”, the facilitator asked if “willingness to sacrifice also includes enduring violence”.

Basically without thinking much we know that the answer is NO. Certainly not.

To my surprise one of the participants said “Yes! Depending on the situation”.

The participant continued to give examples citing that cheating on your partner could be one of the grounds for him/her to be physically violent towards his/her partner and that is acceptable.

The facilitator continued to talked about the laws against violence. I looked at that participant who argued about violence to be okay, who seemed to be hearing all of these things for the first time–first time after living together for 10 years.

It made me wonder how many more married and or unmarried couples are out there thinking it is okay to be violent towards their partners and or thinking that it is okay to be abused. It is never okay. I am also answering questions in my ask.fm and I have been receiving questions about being in an abusive relationships.

Abusive relationship is a cycle of tension building, acute violence, reconciliation/honeymoon, and calm (Lenore E. Walker).

1. Tension building: The cycle starts when there is stress.  It creates a tension, and when there is tension the victim is somehow conditioned to reduce the tension by being compliant towards the abusive partner.
2. Acute violence: Whatever the cause of stress might be, if it becomes unbearable, the abusive partner may choose to act it out towards his/her partner (victim). This may include physical and/or psychological abuse.
3. Reconciliation/honeymoon: The abusive partner feels regretful of what he/she has done towards his/her partner. The abusive partner may feel overwhelming sadness and remorse leading the victim to blame himself/herself. The abuser may beg the victim to stay in the relationship and try to show his/her love towards his/her victim. The abuser is usually very convincing while the victim is usually hopeful that his/her partner will change.
4. Calm: This is the phase wherein the relationship is back to being peaceful. The abuser will shower the victim with love, might promise to change, or may give gifts and just any other means to woo their partner again. If another stressful situation happens again, it will lead back to tension building.It is easy to say  and question why people stay in abusive relationships– It is very hard to get away from the loop once you’re in, but you can.

   Abusive relationships in most cases will destroy your self-esteem, and abusers are manipulative. It will condition you to stay in the cycle.

   If you know of anyone or if you are in an abusive relationship in the Philippines, ask for help. You can also reach out to the DSWD, and/or ask for legal advice.