Rain Keeps Falling On My Palm

How long has it been since then?

It was one of the most crucial moments of my life. Wherein my existence has been pulled and pushed continually going down and down. My whole being has been place in nothingness.

It was spring at that time and it was showering outside. My flowers are blooming very colorful and healthy. Lilac keeps on barking and barking, seems like reminding me that I have some more things to do. This sure is gonna be a long day.  I got a muffler around my neck, put my sandals and sling bag on, and open my umbrella, then I finally set off to school. Today’s my first day in senior high. It’s not really exciting as somebody could ever imagine, it’s more on the start of the critical point of my studies. Taking entrance examinations, maintaining good grades to pass the standards of some universities, and many more busy moments are sure to fill my planner this school year.

When I entered the classroom it was not really a surprise seeing students murmuring, sharing gossips, ladies screaming over campus hunks, sharing vacation experiences, lovers talking intently, fashion-holic students competing between their glittery accessories, and so on. Phew. What a mess. I just wanna comfort myself in the seat near the window but then there were no available seats there so I get rid of the pack back which was place at the last chair near the window and place it at the other vacant seat. I was an undeniably nervous for I know that the owner of this desk is gonna make a scene. And so it really happens. I got my eye on that pack back and I saw someone held it and I presume he’s next move already. He’s going to scold me for stealing his seat. And it was really something he actually did. He scolded me and I played dumb and deaf. He really get into my nerve.

“Hey miss.. Don’t you have anything to say? That was my seat and my seat. Would you please excuse yourself?”

I still continue playing dumb.. but when I notice that we are already catching the attention of others. I simply point my ears and act as if I’m telling that I am deaf. But this person actually sucks he just stayed there in front of me with left eyebrow up. So I eventually speak on,

“I am far-sighted… and being a gentleman I understand that sooner or later you would still gladly offer this seat to me. And I’m thankful with that. Thank you mister.” I said with a sarcastic tone.

I know he has lots to say but before he could come up with his words the crowd around us applauded and then the professor showed up. I’ve always been with this batch of classmates but I never been close to them. I have my own world and they have theirs. Where in same class but we never hang out or even talk to them aside from doing school related activities. I can’t even tell the names of my classmates even though were soon to graduate. Soon.

I got my eye straight outside the window pane. It was still showering. I can see carefree children bath under the rain, playing tags and laughing. I was reminded that I even forgot when was the last time I laugh. I forgot.

The professor was murmuring something but I can’t understand because of my dizziness. Then the last time I remembered was that I fall asleep during our class. I was then awakened by the roaring voice of my professor. I got used to it, this was not actually the first time but just one of the many times wherein my prof woke me up in the midst of my sleep. He told me to translate in Spanish some phrases and so I did. There was a loud cheer in the class, and the prof though obviously irritated a bit for I was able to answer he just continued his class.

Again I fall asleep. And I know he’s not gonna bother me again anymore.

When I woke up it was already past noon. No noisy classmates around me, no professor, all of them surely had their lunch already. I fix my hair and got my sling bag. I was a bit shock that when I stood up I was not actually alone but we are actually two inside that classroom. He seem not to notice that I already woke up and so I had the chance to stare him for long while he was seriously watching the outside world. He was just the typical man who was tall, white-skinned, and owns a pair of cute eyes that seems like talking. My imagination was cut when he glance at me. I then calmly walk out from that classroom and headed to the rooftop of the school. I didn’t have any lunch. Nobody prepared everyday meals for me. I lay down the rooftop floor, stare at the grey sky while the rain keeps on falling on my face and some droplets are caught by my hands. I can still remember how I cried under the rain in times like this before. Nobody notices tears in my eyes when I’m already soaked wet under the rain. I already promised myself not to do it again. I will never cry again. I close my eyes and I can feel each tiny drops that fall unto my face, in my hands, and in my whole body. I am wet now but I can’t feel any cold. My heart is burning with desire that keeps me warm.

With my dad gone, my mom away with her new family, and a  past boyfriend that I used to love dearly even now but cursed me in return, with my teachers hating me for being a sleepyhead, with all those low grades I had for all my subjects, I know that in the future I will be no one.

I hear the alarm. Classes are already starting. But I can’t just help but lay here until the day ends. I just stood up after the last period when I notice that the gate was already open and students are rushing to go home. I got my sling bag and proceed to the stairs but then I can hear footsteps going upstairs so I stop there until I know who was coming up. It was that mister again. He look at me with such a pity in his eyes and ask why I didn’t attend class this afternoon. I don’t really feel like sharing to some unknown person but this gut just makes me feel something I haven’t feel for so long. He removed his polo and place it in me. He carried my sling bag and we talked in the corner of the rooftop where there is a shed. While I was drying myself he keeps on talking and talking.

I collapsed while we were walking home together and that was the last thing I remembered. I then woke up in a new environment. White ceiling was the first thing I saw. There is a tube attached to my hands then I slowly sat down. I saw Nathan sleeping with his head on the side of my bed. No wonder I am inside a hospital.

The doctor said I had some trouble some angle inside my tummy for not eating for a while, and for bathing under the rain. I stayed in the hospital for almost one week. The hospital was totally a boring place and I was glad that Nathan finds time to visit me everyday. When I step out from that hospital we became a lot closer. We’ve been aware of our own family flaws.  And it seems that I always miss him just a second after we parted each day. I don’t want to miss a day without him though I used to love weekends right now I hate having weekends and staying at home without even seeing him.

But then time comes wherein he shared to me about this girl whom he wanted to court to. He seek for my advice and all I could say was encourage him. They actually began dating each other and I was left in the corner. I am empty and it feels like I was back again to the unhappy part of me. Smiling in front on him but breaking up inside and mourning. How I wish I could just be enough for him but I am not. I am just his friend. His friend and that’s all.

We used to eat together but right now they eat together and I eat alone. We used to catch rains with our hands but right now I catch drops of rains alone by myself. There are lots of things we used to do but we can’t now. His girlfriend was actually nice, inviting me to hang out with them but I just could not be with them and watch closely how sweet they are and it feels like I don’t belong.

How long has it been since then? It’s spring again and could not stop myself from thinking that painful part of me. After the graduation I passed in one of the most popular university in the city. And right now a I am a psychologist working in my own hospital. A psychology that advices and help others but I can’t even help myself with my own problems. I can’t even get rid of my past.

Knock—knock—knock

Another patient for me to cure. Tears fall down from my eyes, my heart is thumping in shock seeing my  patient. I ran outside my hospital. I went at the seashore. I feel the sand in my barefoot, the cold breeze, the roaring waves and the rain that keeps falling. How could I face my friend in such a situation.. uttering my name continuously. Seems like the only word he knew was not just my name but my full name alone.

Sorry but I can’t help but broke my promise and cry. At least nobody’s gonna notice that I’m crying for I’m soaking wet under the rain. Right now I need to move on for tomorrow’s gonna be a long day.

How long has it been since then? It’s been too long.

I open my palm wide.

And the rain keeps falling on my palm.

How I Grasp “The Cask of Amontillado” by Edgar Allan Poe

I believe that this piece revealed how the real world runs, betrayals, vengeance, anger, fake people which surrounds us, and trusting innocent ones beneath.

This short story  is filled with ironies, when we the readers know what’s about to happened but Fortunato is left  so unaware and innocent about what’s going on, which made the mood of the readers varry as how I observed. There are some who reads it as something comical because of the innocence of Fortunato in times when he didn’t know that Montressor is already mocking at him, but the first time I read it is same as every time I read it, I feel nothing less than sorrow.

Sorrow, when somehow by letting us see the perspective of Montressor somehow I see the situation of Fortunato which only readers are aware, and all I could do is sympathize.

Dramatic irony play in the story, there are also verbal ironies that Montressor uses against Fortunato and my favorite is…  “And I to your long life.”

            A very powerful phrase when we already know what he is planning to do next.

Another reason which made it great is how they used the perspective of the villain, I believe in this story Montressor is the villain who is planning to kill Fortunato, most stories would probably talk about the pitiful person, the bully one, and the poor person but in here it just revolves around in an unexpected manner.

And after reading this story I just try to recall all those villains in the films I’ve watched, in those mangas I’ve read, and  those in novels, and it made me think they are not really that evil at all, somehow someone made them one. And if we only hear the villains part in every story, maybe, just maybe we could understand them better than criticize them.

The main character Montressor, I can say is a round character type. Although at the very beginning I felt so sure about his evil plan, I felt that in the very end he hesitated for a bit.

Moving on, believe it or better it, when I say this story is a real evident of how humans are comlicated and how we live in our world.

“…when he ventured upon insult I vowed revenge.”

            There are times when we hurt others without really being aware of it. I am the kind of peson who easily get hurts and remember insults, which puts me in a situation really interested in this story. Although I am not the type of person who do stuffs just for the sake of revenge but I admit I do remember this things.

            “…to smile in his face, and he did not percieve that my smile now was at the thought of his immolation.”

            This reminds me about how complicated we people are. It can be relate to how people show you their adorable smiles but in times when your not around they turn your backs and stab you, right when you are so unaware, and right when you trust them whole heartedly.

The clown represents a very innocent person aside from being a funny one. Most people who plays comical role in our society are those who hurt others by their unintentional painful jokes.

Look at vice ganda. He can draw laughters from many of the peoples’ heart, but look at how he made some of his jokes, you can say that for a moment his subjects became a laughing stock on screen. A moment of embarrasment, televised, for me is not okay. I don’t hate him anyways, I can hear him apologize to people.

Sometimes we forget about these tiny details in life, sometimes we forget to ask people if we had hurt them, we forget to ask people if how they feel towards us, and sometimes we fail to ask a sincere “how are you”.

In this way we built others to implant revenge against us, without us knowing at all. We can see, but in the real world we live, everybody is blindfolded by the reality.

Indeed, it’s sorrowful how people wear mask right in front of you, how they decieve you with those smiles, but we never really knew what their up to.  Just like how Fortunato was never fortunate for having no hint all about what would happened next to him under Montressor’s evil plan.

We need to try to understand others, it’s barely possible to completely understand them, but we need to connect with them at the very least, it’s a key to untie our blindfold.

To go that low and do revenge is a no-no. I believe even Montressor regreted it.

in pace requiescat”

            I do believe these words is for Montressor’s peace own peace, internal peace not for commiting such crime but for having made one of the things he would absolutely carry on his life and regret.

           

 

A Complex Plan

How everything was just like then. I gladly stretch my arms while glancing at my watch. He is late. I sat down as I imagined who I am 5 years ago…

Sitting here on the rooftop’s floor, leaning on the wall while I was facing the vast blue clouds, I felt nothing but emptiness.  It was funny how I have everything which I wanted but still eager to have something far from reality.

I heard footsteps in the stairs heading here in the rooftop. Probably from someone who’s lonely as I am. I continue gazing at the sky which is moving slowly with the wind. I feel like somebody’s looking at me, so I lower my head and I found myself smiling at my best friend. He sat beside me and I lean in his shoulders.

‘Are you coming with me?’, I asked him.

‘I’d love to. I would like to visit your dad too.’ he answered optimistically.

I gaze at his smiling face and he stands up and stretches his arms.

‘Let’s go. I brought my bike with me.’, I said cheerfully.

He lends out his hand and helps me stand. We walked down from that building and later on he was driving the bike while I was on his back, my hands were embracing him and my head was resting on his broad back. It was just a ride of about 20 minutes before we reached my dad. I light up a candle and offered a short prayer before we left the cemetery. It was pass 4pm at that time. And he sends me home. While he was driving the bike I can’t help but hug him tight and cry. It was still fresh on my mind how my father died just last year.

It has been 3 years before his death when we discovered he has a leukemia. My mom was a doctor and so is he. When we discovered he was ill we treated each day as a gift for we knew it was an incurable illness. I thought I am already ready for the consequence of his illness. I thought I was, not until the day when my dad passed away. I was half listening to our teacher at that time, I was looking at my endless rainy horizon when my teacher called me out and told me I need to go to the hospital. The moment I heard the word ‘hospital’, I knew exactly what my teacher mean. I hurriedly rushed to the hospital and I saw how my mom was struggling to save my dad’s life inside the ICU while he was barely breathing. I never saw my mom cry in front of my dad ever since he was ill but at that moment while she was trying to save my dad’s life my dad grasp her hands and though my dad can’t speak, his teary eyes were speaking in his behalf. My mom fall on the floor sobbing in tears with her face was buried in my dad’s palm. It was a very traumatic scene and all that was there for me was Erick my best friend, and his family. Ever since that happened I never dare visit my mom’s hospital. It has been one year but it just all seems like yesterday, not faraway.

My memories bring me back and surprisingly I don’t exactly know how long I’ve been hugging Erick while we were already in front of my house. I quickly slide down the bike and smilingly face him. He went down from the bike and turn over it to me.

‘Thanks for driving me home today.’ I said feeling so lively despite being sad at that moment.

‘I was thinking how you really love hugging me since it actually delayed you from going down the bicycle’, he said smilingly, obviously teasing me. I knew he was just cheering me up through irritating me. So I acted as if everything was back to the normal atmosphere.

Then I drive my bike to our garage. Our house was still dark. My mom might still be at the hospital. When my dad died my mom devoted her full time in the hospital to forget that painful experienced of ours but it seems like she forgot me instead.

I change into my nightgown before going to bed. I woke up without my mom still. I was a bit hungry but I have no time to cook since our housemaid took her leave yesterday. I bath, and prepared myself for school then hurriedly went out from the house almost running. I was planning to get my bicycle when I heard somebody calling out my name. It was Erick on his bike. I just ride on his bike like…sometimes. Their house is just two houses away from ours.

We were not classmates, he is 2 years ahead of me but I feel like we are, just because I talk to him more of the time than my classmates or in fact even more than compared to my suitors.

I was again inside our gloomy class. It has been a long class but I couldn’t comprehend what our homeroom teacher was uttering. I was facing outside the window of our classroom while I was playing with my pen in my hands. The sky seems to be great just this morning but right now it seems like rain is about to pour. My imagination run back the past then I was stricken with the ring from the school bell. I stood up from my chair and went to the cafeteria to buy lunch and headed to the rooftop to eat. I usually eat here with Erick. There I found him already sitting on the floor. I sat beside him and we had our lunch together. Erick has been so good to bring two pack lunches. He said her mom fix extra lunch especially for me. Her mom is always so kind to me and treated me as one of their family members. I know how eager her mom is to have a daughter but Erick is their only offspring.

I asked Erick if I could visit their house tonight and personally thank her mom for a very sweet lunch. And later on in the afternoon it was already raining hard. He removed his polo uniform and hangs it over my head before we headed home while riding his bicycle.

We were completely soaked in the rain, and we were quivering in coldness. Erick’s mom meets us at the door with towels and slightly scolded us for being careless, bathing under the rain. It’s visible that I look better than Erick for he was only wearing his inner shirt when we were driving home and he was even sneezing right now. Despite that he  is still  smiling the reason why her mom couldn’t help but laugh at us.

Her mom let me wear one of Erick’s loose shirts paired with one of her mom’s shorts. Her mom combs my hair as if I was really her daughter. And I feel really warm about it.

After saying what I came there for, I went home. I didn’t bother Erick to send me home though he and her mom insisted. When I was close to reaching our house I noticed it was already  bright. I quickly run unto our house. I wonder why my mom would be home at this time which is earlier than her usual.

I was excited but then I was disappointed seeing our housemaid home instead. She told me that my mom just called to inform that she will not be able to dine with us. I was not surprise this time. It’s not unusual. If my dad would just be able to talked I knew he’s gonna scold mom. My dad always place our family at the peak of his priorities despite of his hectic schedules at the hospital. He always assured that we ate our meals together. After his death I wonder just how many times my mom and I shared the dining table.

I watched Aunt Luz, our housemaid as she cooks our dinner. I knew she understands me since she’s been there when I was still a toddler with my mom and dad. I can’t stand the silence anymore so I told her that I already eat dinner at Erick’s house and I’m going to sleep now.

When I woke up I took a glance at the calendar and was a bit surprise to see that today was the 12th day of February. I ride at my bike in going to school while Erick was following me in his bike too. When we arrived at the school he was gentleman enough to help me my parked my bike.

During our lunch we were just seated at our normal spot, soundless. I broke the silence then I offered a nice deal with him. We normally played these sorts of things having pact about some nonsense but funny stuffs. This time I told him that whoever doesn’t have a girlfriend or boyfriend right after Valentines Day should treat the winner.  At first he laughed but when he saw how determined I am, he later on nodded. I was really serious at that time though I was thinking of it just for fun. I never heard of Erick dating any girl  while I was already involved in rare relationships, but I just broke up with my boyfriend last month.

Long days passed and before I knew it…it’s already Valentines Day. I went to Erick’s classroom and waited for him outside. I’m confident enough that were gonna treat each other. I was smiling imagining that he would never have a date same with me and were gonna eat our exchange snacks instead.

After a few seconds I was already facing Erick but I was stunned seeing a pretty, simple girl beside him. He introduced me to his girlfriend. I could hardly heard Erick’s words for I was mesmerized for the fact that I lose against Erick. I shake hands with the girl named Kyla. They obviously suited, perfect match indeed. I told Erick that I will be waiting for him after class at the rooftop where we normally unwind.

I left them. I was walking but my mind is floating. I can’t understand my feeling. I was filled with regrets. If only I answered one of my suitors I would not be in a solitary moment right now. I felt like a left-over, alone and lonely.

I arrived at the rooftop first. I was standing, leaning on the floor, facing at the wide sky.

“Hey!”

I knew it’s from Erick even without glancing, I ask him where did she get his girlfriend. And I was a bit shocked hearing a cute hello from somewhere. I faced him and saw his girlfriend with him. He told me smilingly that he’s not gonna accept my treat instead he’s gonna treat me. I was about to say yes of course but upon hearing that Kyla would be with us…I refused. They left together while I was left, alone again. I fall on my knees, crying. I don’t know exactly why. Maybe because Erick was my only true friend, he is my family, my brother, my world, my outlet, my everything…

It hurts… but it was a pain I created myself. Recalling, I made the deal myself. I thought it would be fun but now I knew it isn’t and it would never be.

The days that followed were doomed, hopeless. I always ate my lunch alone, go to the school on my own, went home alone, and see him scarcely. And those scarce moments that I saw him he even barely smiles for he is always with Kyla. They were inseparable.

I even dare to visit their house and bring a cuisine I cooked myself, but he was not home yet. It was raining at that time and her mom didn’t allow me to go home alone so I waited for Erick. I was in their living room chatting with her mom and looking at their photo albums. We were laughing over Erick’s childhood photos when Erick arrived. He was wet and I rushed to the door to assist her mom wiping him with a towel. I wanted to laugh at his cute sneeze but…

“So you’re not alone. And who’s that cute little girl? Is she your girlfriend?”, her mom teasingly asked.

I was too focused to Erick that I never noticed that Kyla was behind him, totally wet. I offered a towel to Kyla but Erick grabbed it and wiped Kyla himself. It would be my greatest pleasure if I would be in Kyla’s place for even just a few seconds of my life. Just a few. Just a few. Few. Few. But unattainable.

I pretend to look at my watch and act to bolt from the blue. I told everybody that I need to go for my mom might already be home. It was a lame excuse of me. Erick’s mom insisted to let Erick send me home for it was already dark. But upon looking at Erick’s expressionless face, I insisted to go home alone. I never even borrowed an umbrella. I walked under the strong rain, crying. It’s easy this way for nobody’s gonna distinguished tears from rain which were both flowing down my cheeks. I stayed outside our gate. I burst out all the pain I carried inside of me. I almost scream.

When I was already ready to go inside the house I changed my clothes and I lie-down the bed still crying until I was able to sleep without having dinner. The next morning, I woke up late with Aunt Luz beside me. I felt my head so heavy and my body aches. I can barely move. Aunt Luz helps me sat on my bed, hand me a glass of water and a tablet. She told me how high my fever is. I drink it without hesitation and slept again. I would never mind being absent in the class today. I preferred lying here than being in a bored school where I don’t feel like I belong. It’s the first I felt Iike I don’t belong. How funny. I slept again, and I was woke up with the heat I felt coming from the window pain. It was already noon. I buried myself under the pillow. Then I heard Erick’s voice talking to Aunt Luz downstairs. He was asking if he could visit me while Aunt Luz was insisting that I need a full time rest as of now. I won’t really mind seeing him as long as he is all by himself.

Later on I heard a knock on the door. I didn’t answer then I heard the door open then closed. I hide myself under my blanket and pretended to be sleeping well. Erick knew I’m really not asleep and he began talking about some sort of nonsense, like it was really his fault why I am on bed right now and he shouldn’t have let me to go home alone without anything. I played dumb but in my mind, it was really his fault.

I heard another footsteps then I heard the voice of my mom asking Erick about what happened to me. Well, this is the advantage of being sick. At least I’d be able to try being nursed by my doctor mom. I sat down on my bed facing my mom. I told her that I’m very fine and she shouldn’t leave her patients in the hospital just for me. When Erick feels the bad atmosphere he excused himself. My mom and I are certainly arguing right now.

I cut everything with a “sorry”. She was quite, still standing at the side of the bed. I looked at our family photo above my side table. Near it was my photo with Erick. I don’t know where I did get courage to put these words together but what’s certain is… I asked my mom to transfer me in another school abroad. She asked me why out of the blue I asked her about that. I took our family photo and with tears I told her how I felt like I missed our family. My tears dropped down the photo frame which I’m holding. I told her that if ever she’d allow me to continue my studies abroad maybe she would also miss me. And if ever she’d feel like missing me that might be the time we continue our lives without being disturbed by my dad’s shadow. She hugged me. And with teary eyes she told me how sorry she was for taking me for granted. But I insisted to study abroad until my mom gave up of holding me. Behind my mind I have another reason for being so determined to transfer.

My mom scheduled to transfer me few days from now, since she also has to arrange some papers related to my plans. The next day I was back in school. I tried to feel cheerful for my few remaining days here. Three days had passed and I’m leaving tomorrow. I went at the school’s rooftop, maybe for the last time [I think]. The sky is overwhelming as always. Few minutes later as I was opening the door leading downstairs I saw Erick rushing up the stairs. He told me if he could ask few minutes of mine to stay there with him.

We talked. And he told me how fast things are. We used to be together, always. But it seems that we were strangers to each other now. I laugh to make everything soft. I told him about my transfer. He almost screams in shock. He told me why I didn’t tell him earlier. How could I that he’s been so distant lately.

He told me how Kyla is a jealous type and Kyla hates it whenever Erick is with me. I told him that Kyla would be mad at him right now then I laugh heading to the stairs. He grabbed my hand and hugs me. I hugged him too. He just don’t know how I miss those times I hug him and how I love hugging him. Tears pop out from my eyes and I force to stop it but I simply can’t. I told him that I would really miss him and I would never forget him. I also thanked him for all those times he made me smile, comfort me, advice me, brought me lunch, and most of all the time he has afforded me. I am talking as if I would die tomorrow. Funny but it is what I really sound.

I slowly let go of him when I realize we’d been hugging ourselves for so long. But he never let go of me. I jokingly told him that I can’t breathe but instead he hugs me even tighter. I can’t understand. Maybe he would miss me.

“I love you”.

I found myself saying this complex word. I felt like he was also crying then he told me how he and Kyla broke up because of me. I told him I was sorry and I didn’t mean to be in between them. He told me that I shouldn’t be sorry for all along it was who he loves.

I couldn’t found the right words to say. We took a visit to my fathers tomb then we went home together in silence. I was riding behind him in his bike. I was hugging him and as I close my eyes I felt like we were back to what we really are before. Tears still rush down like crystals from my eyes, and when we pass by a bridge. I asked him to stop. We looked at the crimsoned sunset together. Our face reflects the color of the sky. I asked him if he could wait for me 5 years from now and we’d meet in our usual hang out. We had our pinky promise.

Then he sends me home. With our farewell we parted.

I am a doctor now. And I work at my mom’s hospital as an Oncologist or a doctor specializing at cancer case, helping patients with the same illness as my dad. My imagination was cut when I heard footsteps coming upstairs. I focused on the door until it opened at last.

At last. He’s here.

BF-GF

Most of the arguments and quarrels that we had…

I feel like I am the one who…

is frustrated waiting for his name to appear on my phone,

patiently waiting for my  doorbell to ring,

always checking my mails,

most of the time wonders what he is doing,

lost my appetite (eats two plates in every meal instead of 5),

who can hardly go to sleep (imagining him),

wakes up in the middle of the night (to check my phone),

thinks about random things about us until I fell asleep  again,

hurriedly checks my phone after waking up,

wanders in the city wishful thinking that I would meet him by chance

and

*sigh*

Indeed that’s me.

In loving…

I am the one who…

sends random sweet messages just to remind him about my existence   even though he wouldn’t reply,

practice a piece on the piano just for him,

Call him just to let him hear me play piano for him,

Pass by his classroom just to take a glance at him,

Memorize the names and faces of his close girl friends,

Gets jealous but never told him about it,

talks nonstop each time I meet him although it shows that his not listening,

Acts cool whenever I meet him but would scream at my bed whenever I’m home already,

Feels like a princess whenever he fetches me in my classroom once in a blue moon

Experience a one year worth happiness whenever he would escort me home and give me good night kiss,

Who don’t get too close to other guys because I don’t want him to misunderstood,

Introduced him to all my friends and family because I want him to feel so belong,

Always leave my weekends free just in case he want to go out although most of the time I spent my weekends on my bed waiting for my phone to ring,

Get the feeling that I am taken for granted, gets mad, but still feels happy and glad whenever I meet him,

Tried to stop myself from contacting him but get so excited whenever I   get a message from him, and without noticing I already sent a reply a second after.

*sigh*

I am crazy after over him after all.

I am that girlfriend, whom he forgets, is never on his priority lists, and he told my best  friend too.

I am that girl who breaks up with him after hearing all those painful words.

I am that girl who spends my night crying.

I am that girl who can hardly go to sleep at night, and wakes up every now and then.

I am that girl who sees everything as part of him.

I am that girl who wakes up at dawn and play piano until I just fall asleep, then wakes up with all those back aches and headaches and a pair of bulging eye bags.

I am that girl whose parents is so supportive that my father even talked to me about my heartaches,

I am that girl whose only brother gave me an overseas call just to check if I’m doing great after hearing about my break up,

I am that girl who keeps on visiting is facebook account even after our break up.

I am that ex-girlfriend who get so depressed seeing all those “move on” “move on” on his facebook wall.

I am that ex-girlfriend whose cousins refrain me from visiting his facebook profile.

but still gets back to him after his few “sorry” and all.

After all I am that girl tormented by my friends after going back to him. And now I’m doomed, for history is about to repeat itself and I couldn’t asks for my friend’s help anymore.

In every quarrel and argument there is someone who is bothered the most. In every relationship there is someone who will love the most. And for every break up there is someone who is hurt the most.

I am that girl who decided not to shed a tear for him again, but is now crying over typing this.

T.T

First Heartache

There comes that time when you just can’t refrain yourself from thinking about all the pains you had before reaching this far. Pain, just like the first heartache you had from your first love.

I was still young at that time when I started admiring someone from my 6th grade class. He was not that handsome to start with but he was talented and I was easily captured by it. He was a new comer to our school, he draws and dances well and he was really kind hearted person. My feelings grew even more when he told me that he likes me.

Just like the typical girl, I could hardly sleep the night after his confession and the days after it were magical. We would compete on drawing competitions, and we were both accepted in the badminton team of the school.

I never felt awkward with him, he always makes me feel comfortable but almost a month after, I heard a rumour that he confessed to my best friend. Of course it was already painful hearing it so I couldn’t bring myself to ask my best friend. Until, I just witness it all, their sweetness, and how they feel awkward and shy with each other, while I was left out.

I never asked my best friend but at that time I already knew the answer, then one day my best friend just hugged me and ask for my forgiveness. There I cried in my best friend’s shoulder. It was no one one’s fault, so after crying I was determined to move forward.

It was actually painful especially of all the girls it was my best friend and he never even given me a hint that he likes my best friend.

It’s been almost 7 years since then and we are all going to college now. My best friend is happy with her life and we always find time to see each other. They didn’t last while the guy is somewhere we don’t really know. We haven’t heard about him since we graduated.

But my heart is still filled with questions, filled with the “whys” that I wasn’t able to ask before. All these questions are holding me into my past still, if only I could meet him again by chance, one day, I wish we could talk casually and just go back to being friends. If only.

I don’t want to experience the same pain, but thinking about it, those painful memories indeed could make me smile now. I learned from it a lot, but if I would be going through the same pain again because of the one I presently love now, I know by this time it would be even more painful.

God is so good to give us the right to decide whether we remain sad or move forward and find happiness, I choose the latter. For every heartache, the ending depends on you, whether it’s a happy ending or a sad one.

For all the learning he taught me, the pain that makes me a better person and the new love I found after, it was a happy ending.

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Just like every sunset, every tomorrow awaits 😉

God bless.