How long has it been since then?
It was one of the most crucial moments of my life. Wherein my existence has been pulled and pushed continually going down and down. My whole being has been place in nothingness.
It was spring at that time and it was showering outside. My flowers are blooming very colorful and healthy. Lilac keeps on barking and barking, seems like reminding me that I have some more things to do. This sure is gonna be a long day. I got a muffler around my neck, put my sandals and sling bag on, and open my umbrella, then I finally set off to school. Today’s my first day in senior high. It’s not really exciting as somebody could ever imagine, it’s more on the start of the critical point of my studies. Taking entrance examinations, maintaining good grades to pass the standards of some universities, and many more busy moments are sure to fill my planner this school year.
When I entered the classroom it was not really a surprise seeing students murmuring, sharing gossips, ladies screaming over campus hunks, sharing vacation experiences, lovers talking intently, fashion-holic students competing between their glittery accessories, and so on. Phew. What a mess. I just wanna comfort myself in the seat near the window but then there were no available seats there so I get rid of the pack back which was place at the last chair near the window and place it at the other vacant seat. I was an undeniably nervous for I know that the owner of this desk is gonna make a scene. And so it really happens. I got my eye on that pack back and I saw someone held it and I presume he’s next move already. He’s going to scold me for stealing his seat. And it was really something he actually did. He scolded me and I played dumb and deaf. He really get into my nerve.
“Hey miss.. Don’t you have anything to say? That was my seat and my seat. Would you please excuse yourself?”
I still continue playing dumb.. but when I notice that we are already catching the attention of others. I simply point my ears and act as if I’m telling that I am deaf. But this person actually sucks he just stayed there in front of me with left eyebrow up. So I eventually speak on,
“I am far-sighted… and being a gentleman I understand that sooner or later you would still gladly offer this seat to me. And I’m thankful with that. Thank you mister.” I said with a sarcastic tone.
I know he has lots to say but before he could come up with his words the crowd around us applauded and then the professor showed up. I’ve always been with this batch of classmates but I never been close to them. I have my own world and they have theirs. Where in same class but we never hang out or even talk to them aside from doing school related activities. I can’t even tell the names of my classmates even though were soon to graduate. Soon.
I got my eye straight outside the window pane. It was still showering. I can see carefree children bath under the rain, playing tags and laughing. I was reminded that I even forgot when was the last time I laugh. I forgot.
The professor was murmuring something but I can’t understand because of my dizziness. Then the last time I remembered was that I fall asleep during our class. I was then awakened by the roaring voice of my professor. I got used to it, this was not actually the first time but just one of the many times wherein my prof woke me up in the midst of my sleep. He told me to translate in Spanish some phrases and so I did. There was a loud cheer in the class, and the prof though obviously irritated a bit for I was able to answer he just continued his class.
Again I fall asleep. And I know he’s not gonna bother me again anymore.
When I woke up it was already past noon. No noisy classmates around me, no professor, all of them surely had their lunch already. I fix my hair and got my sling bag. I was a bit shock that when I stood up I was not actually alone but we are actually two inside that classroom. He seem not to notice that I already woke up and so I had the chance to stare him for long while he was seriously watching the outside world. He was just the typical man who was tall, white-skinned, and owns a pair of cute eyes that seems like talking. My imagination was cut when he glance at me. I then calmly walk out from that classroom and headed to the rooftop of the school. I didn’t have any lunch. Nobody prepared everyday meals for me. I lay down the rooftop floor, stare at the grey sky while the rain keeps on falling on my face and some droplets are caught by my hands. I can still remember how I cried under the rain in times like this before. Nobody notices tears in my eyes when I’m already soaked wet under the rain. I already promised myself not to do it again. I will never cry again. I close my eyes and I can feel each tiny drops that fall unto my face, in my hands, and in my whole body. I am wet now but I can’t feel any cold. My heart is burning with desire that keeps me warm.
With my dad gone, my mom away with her new family, and a past boyfriend that I used to love dearly even now but cursed me in return, with my teachers hating me for being a sleepyhead, with all those low grades I had for all my subjects, I know that in the future I will be no one.
I hear the alarm. Classes are already starting. But I can’t just help but lay here until the day ends. I just stood up after the last period when I notice that the gate was already open and students are rushing to go home. I got my sling bag and proceed to the stairs but then I can hear footsteps going upstairs so I stop there until I know who was coming up. It was that mister again. He look at me with such a pity in his eyes and ask why I didn’t attend class this afternoon. I don’t really feel like sharing to some unknown person but this gut just makes me feel something I haven’t feel for so long. He removed his polo and place it in me. He carried my sling bag and we talked in the corner of the rooftop where there is a shed. While I was drying myself he keeps on talking and talking.
I collapsed while we were walking home together and that was the last thing I remembered. I then woke up in a new environment. White ceiling was the first thing I saw. There is a tube attached to my hands then I slowly sat down. I saw Nathan sleeping with his head on the side of my bed. No wonder I am inside a hospital.
The doctor said I had some trouble some angle inside my tummy for not eating for a while, and for bathing under the rain. I stayed in the hospital for almost one week. The hospital was totally a boring place and I was glad that Nathan finds time to visit me everyday. When I step out from that hospital we became a lot closer. We’ve been aware of our own family flaws. And it seems that I always miss him just a second after we parted each day. I don’t want to miss a day without him though I used to love weekends right now I hate having weekends and staying at home without even seeing him.
But then time comes wherein he shared to me about this girl whom he wanted to court to. He seek for my advice and all I could say was encourage him. They actually began dating each other and I was left in the corner. I am empty and it feels like I was back again to the unhappy part of me. Smiling in front on him but breaking up inside and mourning. How I wish I could just be enough for him but I am not. I am just his friend. His friend and that’s all.
We used to eat together but right now they eat together and I eat alone. We used to catch rains with our hands but right now I catch drops of rains alone by myself. There are lots of things we used to do but we can’t now. His girlfriend was actually nice, inviting me to hang out with them but I just could not be with them and watch closely how sweet they are and it feels like I don’t belong.
How long has it been since then? It’s spring again and could not stop myself from thinking that painful part of me. After the graduation I passed in one of the most popular university in the city. And right now a I am a psychologist working in my own hospital. A psychology that advices and help others but I can’t even help myself with my own problems. I can’t even get rid of my past.
Another patient for me to cure. Tears fall down from my eyes, my heart is thumping in shock seeing my patient. I ran outside my hospital. I went at the seashore. I feel the sand in my barefoot, the cold breeze, the roaring waves and the rain that keeps falling. How could I face my friend in such a situation.. uttering my name continuously. Seems like the only word he knew was not just my name but my full name alone.
Sorry but I can’t help but broke my promise and cry. At least nobody’s gonna notice that I’m crying for I’m soaking wet under the rain. Right now I need to move on for tomorrow’s gonna be a long day.
How long has it been since then? It’s been too long.
I open my palm wide.
And the rain keeps falling on my palm.