I’m not quite sure if this exist–or perhaps it’s just me.
I have been overanalyzing things from–the moment I started studying psychology.
I studied Psychology for 4 years, and graduated about a year ago. Whenever I look back I think I was never cynic towards humanity before. I just realize one day that I’m becoming more of a Freudian person.
I was always so particular with a person’s motives, I became less trusting, I only have few friends, and I started to enjoy my own company as time goes by.
This wasn’t really me.
I broke up with my boyfriend-for-three-years when I was in college, and it took me years to get over him. Another downside is that, I had a hard time finding someone to date with because I was always looking into their motives. Perhaps it was right. I was always on guard. Perhaps it was for my good. I have been drifting away from all the ‘intimacy’ thing which an early adult should be or –expected to be.
There were even times when I used psychological tests to check my suitor’s personality. I actually thought it was only me, then one day one Professor asked us during our review class if any of us tried to administer a personality test to our gf/bf or SO. Then when I looked around, I wasn’t really the only one raising my hand.
The professor made me realize one thing–making people take personality test for my own personal pursuit defeats the purpose of the “getting to know stage”. It gives a priori knowledge which leads to biases.
Perhaps I turned that way then not only because of my major (which is psychology) but probably because I was looking at the wrong people at that time. I was focus on people who answered all my doubts on humanity which is fed in by all these “unconscious” and “motives” taught in Psychology (mostly on Psychoanalysis school of thought).
I keep on seeing people who help others not because they really want to but because they want to show off that they have something to give. I was with people who were generous not because they really were or perhaps they became one because they want to be socially desirable.
I keep on seeing people who says ‘I love you’, when deep inside what they really want to say is that ‘I want you in bed’.
I miss to see the other people, the other side of my binders which doesn’t answer all my beliefs. I failed to see those that contradicts me, those that proves me wrong. The people who help because they empathize and the people who love because they really are in love.
Perhaps, cynicism was a way to protect myself from trusting people and hurting myself in the process.
I am in love right now. Yes I am. I am also trying to get over my cynicism. I’m removing my binders to see the whole picture.
More and more people taught me that humanity couldn’t be that bad after all.
For the first time after a long time, I am making myself vulnerable again.
I may be in the wrong path or the right one. Nobody really knows, but I am risking it all. Someone just made me feel like he’s worth risking for.